I've Gained More Than I've Lost

I have so many thoughts in my head right now and I need to get them out. This is serious talk right now guys. I know this blog is solely dedicated to crafts and pinteresting things... but right now I think it’s just what I need. I'm ready to share my deep deep thoughts, I'm laying everything on the table. I'm not ashamed of my past anymore, I embrace it because it has made me who I am. 

I don’t know who will even read this... but I want to tell my story. 

Breakup. I hate this word… Break… up. But it makes sense… because that’s what happens… your life literally gets broken up into tiny pieces… and you have to mosey on around and collect these pieces, on top of being dramatically depressed. Oh and I forgot to mention you can’t put the pieces back in their original place... nope that would just be too easy. You have to create something totally new. And this is a story on how I did so.

I remember driving away from his house, sobbing, I had to pull over because I couldn’t see the road through my tears. I drove to my parent’s house… I couldn’t bear going home to an empty apartment and honestly I wanted my mom. My baby brother stayed up with me until I fell asleep, made me laugh like he never fails to do. It was a rough night, but that was it. Basically I was sad for a day, then I retired the “I give up because I have a boyfriend” basketball shorts and was running out the door all dolled up ready for a new life and new experiences! Maybe you could say it was a cry for help but looking back I can honestly say I was legitimately happy. He didn’t break my heart, we left on good terms, it was a mutual thing to go our separate ways because the timing for us just wasn’t right and we had to be real. Now I’m not saying getting over the first love of my life was easy, I’m just telling you that for about a month or so I was on a high of freedom and feeling good about my decision to finally separate from him. 

          I hadn't been single in a long time; suddenly every guy that I hadn't given a second thought was a primary candidate for my future husband. I felt like I was able to be myself again. I felt like I turned into this reserved person while dating him. When he wasn’t with me I kept to myself, never tried to make new friends because I didn’t care. But soon after the break up I was back to the real me: outgoing, flirty, and independent. I did what I wanted without having to report my every move to someone, which felt so very good! At this point being single was definitely the best thing that had ever happened to me. And I wholeheartedly felt that way, I wasn't trying to convince myself that I was better off without him; I honestly knew that I was. He was on my mind every so often but they were always more worried motherly thoughts like “I hope he is okay” and “I wonder how he is handling everything.”

Then things started to get real. Being single and loving it got old, fast. I started to miss him. My old life revolved around this guy, he was my life. For me, the hardest thing to get over was that one second you have this person in your life who is your best friend, the person you go to for everything, the one who effects your every decision… then just like that they’re gone, you cant think about them, you cant talk to them, and you definitely can’t see them. Yeah, I knew I did the right thing and I was excited to scout out new men all day, but I had to start my life over, and that was the hardest part. I lost a lot of friends due to us going different directions. Plus, I realized I had to grow up and hanging out with high school kids a year after I graduated just wasn’t normal.

I was confident that I would have a new man soon after the breakup… But I could see that it obviously wasn't going as planned. My life was going downhill and it was going down fast. I turned into one of those people that say: “If I had this in my life I would be happy.” I felt sorry for myself way too much, and I was so miserable. I went through a period where I completely lost all hope and motivation. But after going through hands down the hardest months of my life things started to get better.

I think the turning point was when I finally gained acceptance. I accepted that it isn't the end of the world if I’m single. I accepted that change is good, and most importantly, I accepted that I deserve to be happy. I started doing the things I knew I should be doing, and I found tremendous happiness in that. I started to become more involved in church, I went to the activities without my mom behind me constantly nagging me about it, I went because I wanted to.  The scriptures became the highlight of my day. I saw them like I never had before; I gained an incredible love for them. I surrounded myself with positive and uplifting things and exciting people. I started to love trying new things! I didn't want to be that person that sits at home alone all the time, and more importantly I didn’t want any regrets. I started doing things for me! If I wanted it… I went for it! I seriously gained the biggest daredevil streak, and I loved it! I vowed to always say yes to spontaneous adventures and crazy, even dangerous, things! And it really changed my life for the better. Filling my life with fun things every night helped me get my mind off him, and before I knew it I stopped thinking about him completely.

It has been four months and I have learned so much. I have had my highs and my lowest lows. I have totally redone my life. I look back and I don't regret a single day, I've gained more than I've lost and I think that is the most important part. Life is so good, I love where I am right now and that is where I find true happiness: loving what I have at the moment. I have felt the love of my Heavenly Father through it all, not one second did I question him or feel completely alone. I have found the true meaning of being blessed for following the prompting of the Lord. Since the day we broke up blessing have been pouring out all around me, even when I felt I didn’t deserve them. I’m so grateful to be able to recognize them in my life.

Becoming newly single after being in a relationship for so long is definitely a big shock. It is like waking up and not knowing where you are, everything looks unfamiliar and scary, but if you give it time and turn the lights on you will realize that you’re going to be just fine.  The world looks different when you don't have that special someone. But sometimes if you let it, different can be beautiful.

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